We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?