Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
RT if you could go either way.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing