WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Boom, boom, ching!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.