day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Good boy 😂😂
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?