Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
What number SPF blocks people?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.