“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN