Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.