I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
You Might Also Like
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor