Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.