Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it