Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Oops
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE