I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
LOL
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester