My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
You Might Also Like
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
absolute chaos
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them