new wife guy just dropped
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Duolingo getting serious.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
The cashier just checked me out.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.