If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
repaired
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand