I’d use my best pan on you.
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
This is me 🤣🤣
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*