Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Are you ok, human???
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz