Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back