Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”