wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
This is a true ally.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.