In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.