Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me when the borders lift
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.