And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all