“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Something Saturday.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.