ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.