I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
And that about sums it up.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.