Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
OH. COME. ON.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Genius idea!!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars