I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Jurassic park gets weird
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
a public service announcement
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!