I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.