Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.