date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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everyone has that one prude friend
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.