5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window