*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.