The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
i made a craigslist ad !
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.