If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
You Might Also Like
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I think my mom just blocked me
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.