A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Hey I worked for it too!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?