And now we wait
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The happy life.. 😊
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths