I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted