“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.