She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
What if the weather talks about us?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough