FINE, I WON’T.
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[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
i spent way too long on this
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’M CRYINGGG
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed