[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.