*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
😂😂😂😂😂😂
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.