Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
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chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
◾️
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Worst perfume name ever.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.