“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert