interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”