Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You Might Also Like
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
nyc:
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*