Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
LA today:
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I cannot call her anything else now
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
When your man makes a valid point
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.