My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
so i’m at the stock market right