It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
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I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.